… I should be talking about the wonderful celebration that we had during the noche buena and the blessings that were imparted this season… But I’ll skip that with a rather untimely yet in a way expected event… My grandfather just died hours ago… Early this evening he complained about chest pains and difficulty in breathing… then collapsed. In our neighbor’s car, where “Tatay” ( we call our grandfather by that name ) lay in my lap, I tried looking for a pulse in the neck are and wrist and noticed that there was none. At that time, I had this bad feeling that that was it. When we reached the emergency room, we tried to carry him to the hospital bed and noticed that he was really heavy. The attending nurses and doctors tried to revive him but he was dead on arrival and we could only bear withness as life evaporated from his aging body.

I dont want to remember his last week where most of us felt that the inevitable was closing in. I just want to remember how great he was with the hammer, saw and wood. He could make old piles of wood into useful furnitures. He dedicated his life, working as a well respected carpenter and contractor in our area. He maybe strict and disciplined to his grandsons but I could also remember the time that he bought me a bag for shool in my elementary days and my very first aquarium. He also helped me jazz up my bike when i still young and addicted to bicycles.  Sometimes, I do try to question his methods but aside from that I respected the guy. And I thank him for those small and big things that made me smile. I am happy that the wooden cane that me and my wife gave him was used until his last breath. Sad as it is but I know in my heart that he’s happy now. Pain is gone.

Where ever you are. Rest in peace, Tatay.

What would you do for freedom or some peace in life? How can I be in prison when all i see and live with are the people I love… Maybe its my work… it binds me with my PC all day long… I’m quite surprised I made it this far without puking on my keyboard… my work is my passion… but sometimes too much of it can get into my nerves… but maybe that’s not all… at some point I feel deprived of something… and overwhelmed with another… this is one of those freaking days that i feel that a breathe of fresh air is needed… I barely know myself anymore… I once thought I can be a good businessman… but it all boils down that i am an artist by heart… and there are times that i think i am a puppet. Ever since, I made a 360 degree turn on my attitude in life… people wasted no time in using it against me… my past becomes their weapon and the present is the playground… I remember the days when I struck fear in people’s eyes…. and as much as i get condemned from what i do, I felt that i was in control… i was happy… and now, when i was supposed to be doing the right things, i feel lost… its like when a bad person turns good... all you get is a pat in the back and handful of criticisms and a bagful of doubts… but when a good man turns bad… they get judgment and a spit in the face… where am i? I don’t know for now… I’m living life one day at a time hoping that tomorrow will be better…hope is a really good thing.

Before, I was trying to contain and learn how to use my powers. Now, I dont have any. People around me changed. When they have the powers and the money… They change. I hope I did too but money and career are two shitty things that deprive people the ability to look back… a bottle of coke and a lighted smoke is as simple as happiness in my part…

I am not agent. I am an assassin.

Some minds are so predictable you don’t have to be a telepath to know what’s inside. Yet the problem is not knowing what they are thinking but bending them to do the right thing especially when the wrong things being done have been perceived as right and people around them concede. These grow like cancer cells disabling their system to overcome the needed force to resist. They feed on sympathy and acknowledgment, they shield it with intimidation and pole positioning. The saddest thing about it is that in the end, they feel like the victim even when they hurt the people they care for and love most.

Help me find Professor X, Jean Grey or Psylocke or even Emma Frost or it might be too late.

I was surprised when I stumbled upon this error in AVG since I know that I am a careful browser and a paranoid user.

 ’Invalid Update Control CTF File’ and I thought I got a stealthy virus in my system but thinking about it might be an error in the previous extraction of the software but what the heck… I googled the solution and found this

Delete the *.ctf temp files in C:\Documents and Settings\All Users\Application Data\Avg8\update\download\ 

Please DO NOT  DELETE the *.bin files as those are the ones that were compiled on previous updates.

I hope you find this useful.
All problems have a solution, You just have to find it.

When I close my eyes I see forever
In between the good and bad I’ll be there

Somewhere
Over my head
Something
I have not said

Think I’ve lost my grip
It’s out of my hands
Slipped between my fingers
Out of my hands

Took so long to get it and I know it
Everything I wanted I’d have been it

So far
Out of my hand
So close
That I can’t find it

Think I’ve lost my grip
It’s out of my hands
Slipped between my fingers
Out of my hands

I’ve seen things I’ve shouldn’t have seen
Now they live inside me
I’ve seen things through open doors
Now I know what lives are for

Somewhere
Over my head
Something
I have not said

Think I’ve lost my grip
It’s out of my hands
Slipped between my fingers
Out of my hands

Think I’ve lost my grip
It’s out of my hands
Slipped between my fingers
Out of my hands

Every single turn counts
as I ponder into my world
and days get blocked
by hindering plumveils
clouding my overbeing
awed by the massive
recurrence of my past
like a boomerang
that causes bits
of blue dream fractures
a traumatizing experience
when a spell that perilous
can be casted twice
and grinds your sanity
until you manifest
signs of ghastly fugue
and you lose the fealty
of your loved ones
then the sanity grinding
repeats again
until you lose control
until you become numb…

If you think you’re in love think again… its the most devastating thing that can happen to you… as much as love brings a lot of positive feelings inside your happy heart and little intelligent inputs to your deteriorating brain… you must always be ready for the worst case scenario… and the reality that forever is not a fact when it comes to love… only the stupid will put their thumbs and push the button… as true love should be selfless, it shouldn’t be stupid… respect matters not only to your mate but to yourself… have some sense of dignity that instead of being dumb and a weakling begging for love and mercy… ask yourself the question if you’re really willing to take the beating and be firm… love is never a two way street… it is in reality a mutation of the 7 deadly sins… hiding under a bush named lies and deceits… Love is a big responsibility and requires ultimate discipline… never to falter under any tempting circumstances… it is very patient… waiting for the kill… love is dangerous and destructive… turns the meekest lamb into a killing machine and transforms the most generous romantic into a selfish possessive bastard…

Don’t bullshit me with sweet nothings about the happiness and endless bliss about love… it is sickening…

Next time you intend to say I love you to a person… always think about the pain you’ll be enduring and the pain you’ll be giving… if you think you have the balls for that… then GET IT ON!

I am the Ghastlord of Fugue…

This is my work, my world and my life… The web has given me immortality and power… Yet I never fail to give due respect to those people who made me who i am today… Maybe I have failed many times at work, at love and at choices I made but never in imparting my gratitude. Respect means a lot in my world and for the arrogant bastards, bear in mind that the top is never a secured place and youth never wins over aging time, we are all slaves to fate. And no one knows the deck it holds and plays… The mirror is a good place to start.

side winding stairways going up
leading to a dark passage
with a narrow door
on the very top of it
vaguely visible to my eyes
yet my eyes are glued on it
wanting to desperately
open it and unleash
the elemental beast
it holds inside its void
the beast that once was
linked into my very being.
I trapped him there
to contain his powers
so as not to hurt
and cause so much pain.
I said never ever again.

But now, reality’s obliqued
I have lost my sanity
I am in mental agony
I hear his voice echoing
He doesnt want me suffering
In my darkest dreams he spoke
“together we can conquer life
and walk the immortal ways”
But you have to let me
let me cause havoc
to your foes, to your enemies
My blackened power will
devour their very essence
and suffice our needs
I will envelope you again
with a shroud protection
from pain and guilt.

Climb the stairs
Open the black door
Set me free
from these walls
and I will serve you
My Dark Master!

I fear the rain
will wash away
the little pieces
of memories
that sculpted
my sensibility
as every drop
trickling down
my weary face
slides along
my cold tears
that bear the truth,
the only picture
of contentment
that made me
God for a day.

I fear the storm
will wash away
the very details
of my life
that taught me
the songs of love
written in my soul
a gentler side
of my monstrosity,
drying the kiss
of a fractured
yet genuine time,
the only touch
of endearment
that tamed
the demon in me.